Many days in my life were spent in frustration at the unfairness that I perceived being a white, English-speaking South African woman.
Brought up in a big family, within a very sheltered Christian view, I had my first yearning for meaning or Truth from the age of 13. My father was an alcoholic, womanizer and smoked weed. A huge Elvis fan, and a “Christian”, believing he was without fault. He died 9 years ago, leaving my long-suffering stepmom in a lot of debt, that she had to sell her home and move into a garden flat with my stepbrother.
My mother was raised Jewish, but converted when she married my father, to Christianity. The years of my childhood are a blur, because we moved around alot and my mom was married to 3 men, and divorced 3 times. She smoked weed too. She relocated to Israel in 2002 and is now Jewish again.
I spent alot of my early twenties and thirties on a “seekers” journey, while smoking weed, believing it helped me realize awareness. I fell pregnant at 27, and married the guy. What a disaster.! I was almost driven insane and after a suicide attempt, I divorced him (marriage didn’t even last 2 years) and proceeded to raise my daughter. He had visitation rights every second weekend. He gave a paultry ‘maintenance’ of R60 (sixty Rand), until I finally made the decision to let my daughter live with him, which is what they both wanted, when she was 15 years old. I had since found my soulmate in the form of a woman, and was (and still am) blissfully happy with her (she has 3 sons).
My journey as a woman seeking spiritual advancement and awakening was blocked, however, due to me always feeling insanely angry at being ‘hit on’ by men. The lewd and sexual advances made me feel unclean, uncomfortable and disgusted at myself.
I have been a qualified Nurse for more than 20 years, and suffered a severe traumatic event in the hospital in 2013, which has left me unable to perform as a nurse again. I turned to Buddhism in those dark months, and seem to have found part of the Truth, that spiritual advancement begins within the mind. My Reformation journey thus began.
All the posts and quotes following are my own thoughts penned or typed as I sit down at the end of each day. I write as Tara, due to my goal of being a Compassionate Bodhisattva.